I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
