I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
