Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
