I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
be right there i have to get my cape
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
