your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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