the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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