I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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