Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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