Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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