I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My ATM looks so different sober.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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