Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
