You just made me feel so damn special
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
