she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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