never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
