Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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