No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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