Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
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We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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