I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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