worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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