do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
