just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
