I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
