I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
