By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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