There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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