Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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