I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
