Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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