The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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