He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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