the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
