Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
