Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
