So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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