walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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