Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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