Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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