Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
