I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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