Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
