i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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