my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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