Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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