she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
