god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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