I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
