Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
