one two three fourrrrnication!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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