I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
