Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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