I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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