I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
