hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
