I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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