my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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