I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize