I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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