I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
