I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
