Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
