After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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