remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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