I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
